Monday, December 31, 2007

pahty ova. pahty done.

My man asked me if i make New Year’s resolutions. i told him that i didn’t, that i don’t really believe in the arbitrary demarcation of time (i’m difficult like that sometimes). But his question did set me to thinking about the year gone by and where it has placed me in respect to the person i claim i strive to be.

The thing is that I’m not struck by any particular thoughts or feelings of 2007. I spent the first 6 months in Brazil, a majority of whose time and lessons I have voluntarily forced to the fringes of my consciousness. (maybe I’ll write on that at some point). Then the rest of the time has been subsumed by trying to discover and settle into the life of a graduate student.

Kinda makes me wanna say it’s been an uneventful year. Now whether or not this is true is not as important as the fact that the thought can occur to me. And it makes me realize this: 2007 was the first year of my life that i stepped out on my own, unsupported by the safety nets that had previously held me down. i moved to Brazil with my own money. Entered graduate school on my own accord. Even bought my own health insurance! All of this i did when i could have gone other ways, did other things.

2007 was the first year to test whether or not the previous twenty-some-odd had prepared me for this moment of stepping into myself and making my claim on the world; of establishing the foundations of the lifework these years set me up to discover; of doing my damn thing, holding it di-down! This is what 2007 was. And i failed. i failed.

But hold up. Don’t misinterpret this as vain self-deprecation. Rather, it is an accurate assessment of the year’s course of events as told by he-who-lived-it. And let’s be real. i’m sure some of the older folks could tell you some years are better than others. Besides, i honestly don’t feel too terrible about it. That, i realize, is what is most dangerous of all.

The Lazy One’s greatest skill and comfort is discovering the motions. There is no challenge. No uncertainties. This year, i continued the motions i’d discovered over the past few years. i was that fish that be swimming up under the shark. i didn’t challenge myself. i ain’t try to fly. And the fact is that this year was uneventful precisely because i didn’t make anything happen. But come on. It’s a comfortable life i got going for me. i know i’ma do well for myself by not even trying. Read a few books. Write a few papers. And in a few years ya’ll be calling me doctor.

The misappropriation of talent. This is not my calling.

::sigh::

So 2008 soon come. Maybe i don’t make resolutions because they require me to see them through, to challenge myself with vigilance to break with the motions. A contract with myself whose breaching only results in the decadence of character. And, well, i’m too lazy for all that (is character all that important anyway?). But i know my calling. And worse for my laziness, i know what i need to do in order to pursue it.

2007 is done. May bad habits finish with it.

-amari